It's hard to know what benefit, if any, sharing my story will be to anyone, however it is my hope that it will be valuable to someone. I wish I had the kind of story without so many embarrassing moments, however it is not the case. My life is full of lessons learned through indiscretions and outrageous behaviors.
For the most part, I am now a pretty stable person, and so removed from the "other person" I was in my 20's and 30's that I hardly recognize the person about whom I am talking.
I find comfort in realizing that some of my behaviors were physiological and a result of what I now understand as mental disturbance, which is also quite embarrassing to admit.
From a child, I recall some mental issues that would incite much confusion and fear for me. Once I remember telling my older sister, Robin, that I wasn't sure if I wanted to go to heaven, which in my case was a real dilemma since we were a devout Christian family. She asked me in response if I wanted to go to hell? I, of course, didn't want to go to hell, but knowing that did not, in my mind, make me feel a desire to go to heaven for some reason.. This kind of mental confusion started at an early age for me, and was a fear and anguish that was hard to describe or resolve.
While in grade school, I recall the anxiety of guilt on a grand scale, causing me to get out of bed every night, and make detailed confessions to my dad. The confessions had to be intricate and thorough, and bordered on some sort of disorder. Not the typical confession like, I gave my peas to the dog. It would be details It would be similar to an obsessive compulsive feeling, similar to one who feels he has to wash his hands for 20 minutes or at least 10 times in order to feel a sense of peace.